It is with a sad and heavy heart that I write today’s entry.

As I pulled into the driveway, around 4:40 pm, my sister told me that an acquaintance, a family friend, a brother in Christ, and someone, very honestly, dear to my heart, had passed away, yesterday night. He had gotten into a solo motorcycle accident, and, I think, died on impact.

As I heard the news, I had just pulled into the driveway, like I said. I hadn’t even turned my car off when my sister came to my window and signaled me to open my door. It was then that I heard the news.

However, as I was parked and gathering my things to get out of my car, I was thinking of so many selfish and trivial things compared to the news that was about to me known to me.

I was thinking how hard that exam was today, how much my hand hurt from writing for so long, how embarrassing that presentation was this morning, and how dirty my windshield was, and that I should wipe my windshield. All these trivial and selfish thoughts were racing through my head.

To be quite honest, this brother (yes, he is my brother in Christ) wasn’t someone I was personally close to. He simply knew who I was, and I knew who he was. My dad would give him rides every now and then a few years ago, and I think he was fairly close to my dad. He was also in my family’s small group meeting (comparable to what most people would call a Bible study group). I had only talked to him a few times, but you know, it’s human nature to get attached to even the smallest relationships that are formed.

Anyway, the news hasn’t really sunk in, yet. I mean, I realize that this brother is no longer with us, but at the same time, I feel like it’s all a lie, and that I’ll be seeing this brother in the meetings next week. To be honest, I cried. I’m not sure if I cried from the news of his passing, or from the fact that we won’t see him anymore, or even from the fact that he was just someone I knew. I’m not sure, but I did cry. Actually, my eyes are red and puffy, and every now and then, I feel like I am going to burst out crying. I don’t even feel like I am worthy of crying for or over this brother because, as I said, I wasn’t close to him. I guess, since I’ve known of him, and he’s known of me for years, there’s just that sense of, I don’t even know a good word, but “habit” seems somewhat fitting. You get into this habit of seeing people over the years, of hearing about them in passing, etc. I guess I cried, partially, because I know that seeing this brother in the meetings, or whatever it may be, will be no longer. I really was honest when I said that this brother was dear to my heart; all the saints are dear to my heart, and I really do mean that.

As I was just, I don’t know, letting the news, the reality swarm in my head, I just felt so ashamed at how selfish I can be, how selfish we all can be, and how I make such a big deal out of the most trivial things.

Here I was complaining how tired I was from having to study, from having to take tests, from having to commute, from everything going on right now, and I didn’t even appreciate the life the Lord has given me.

Here I am, complaining of all the temporary hardships in my life, when I could be redeeming the time the Lord has given me. I think that’s also why I cried -because I know that the life I’m living now is not exactly the life the Lord wants me to be living. Here I am, just living day-to-day, complaining about school, about the weather, about anything, and the Lord is just wanting me to enjoy Him and redeem the time.

Even these past few months, I’ve been ashamed of myself. I’ve been telling myself, “what kind of life is this?” “Why are you just doing nothing?” I really have been telling myself this. Maybe this was just one way the Lord is calling me back. He’s always calling me back to Him; I get distracted so easily, so I know the Lord is always calling me back to Him.

I tell myself and the Lord, “tomorrow, Lord. Tomorrow I’ll have morning revival. Tomorrow I’ll read the Bible. Tomorrow this, tomorrow that.” And here I am…what excuse do I have not to come to the Lord?!?

Wow. I don’t know what I’m getting at in this entry. I’m just trying to, not make sense of the situation, but I’m just trying to, I don’t know, tell myself that there’s no excuse to be complaining of what I have. The Lord is so sovereign. How could I not think He’s sovereign? He has saved even me from death, so how can I say that He is not sovereign? He knows each of our measures. I know that He has such a high purpose for me.

This sad news is not something to be analyzed. This news is not even here for us to be asking the Lord, “why?” The Lord is righteous and sovereign in His judgments. Only He knows why He took our dear brother to be with Him.

Lord Jesus, how I love You. End.