Dim Sum, Yum~

Okay, it’s Saturday morning, about 11:20 am. I am extremely full right now because I had dim sum for breakfast. Yum.

Anyway, so I guess for the sake of sticking to what I said I’d talk about, here’s a little bit of what I put myself through, as a person who doesn’t know how not to be shy in public (I’m going to be focusing more about me being shy at school.)

So, I’m a university student. Actually, I’ll be officially graduated this Summer. So, how in the world did I survive college life as a complete (ahem *extreme*) introvert? I don’t know. I know that people find my behavior somewhat childish, and are probably saying to themselves that I need to grow up and stop being shy. If not that, they’re probably thinking to themselves that they wish I would just be myself…just let go and “have fun,” so to speak.

Before I continue on that, I guess I should define what “shy” means to me…

As we know, we all have our own definition of what “shy” means. To some, shy means not being able to talk to the person they like. To others, shy means not being able to make eye contact with people. Shy could also mean not being able to talk to others, or not being able to project your voice.

To me, however, shy encompasses all those characteristics, and more. For me, it’s not that I want to be shy, but I’m just overly conscious of my actions around others, and those actions make me reserved and shy. I’m constantly having this mental battle with myself. I’m always thinking, “well, if I look around the classroom, people might think that I’m trying to befriend them or invite myself into a situation I’m not welcomed in,” or, “If I look in his direction, he might think I’m crushing on him.” Sometimes I think, “Well, what they’re talking about is really none of my business, so if I turn in their direction, they might think I’m trying to butt-into their group/conversation.” All these things are always racing through my head. I’m always conscious of even my actions.

As such, I hinder myself from initiating conversations with people, I hardly speak up, I don’t make eye contact -I don’t even look around the classroom or my surroundings…it’s like I put invisible blinders on to keep my eyes fixed forward. It’s almost as if I completely ignore the people around me. Because of this behavior, many people also think I’m a snob that thinks she’s above them. I’m not, I assure you.

So, back to what I was talking about earlier. I’m very much aware of what people think. It’s very burdensome to try to accommodate a shy person. I see it on a daily basis; people are always struggling to come up to me and initiate a conversation with me. They’re not sure what to expect, so even their body language, as they approach me, is cautious.

Crushes are pretty bad, too. I’m one of those girls who, if she sees the guy she likes, walks in the opposite direction. I do this because I don’ t know how to act in front of them, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself, and I just don’t want to put myself in a situation where I could possibly get hurt. It’s always definitely been platonic on my end.

Thinking about it now, it’s not easy to put into words how I act or how I feel as a shy person. It’s very, very difficult, actually. I don’t even know if I’m making sense, because it seems like I’m always contradicting myself…first I say I’m shy, then I say I’m not…it’s very contradictory.

As you know, from my intro, I’m not shy everywhere. In fact, I’m a very goofy person, and I love to make people laugh. I almost feel as if I’ve got this split personality…I don’t have split personality disorder, I assure you, because even at school (where I’m shy), I have no problem speaking up or even giving presentations/speeches in front of the class. I have no problem talking to someone when they talk to me…it’s just that my behavior doesn’t reflect who I am, that’s why I feel that my personality is split in it’s nature. I’m not split-personality psychologically, I just feel that that’s the only way to sort of describe what it seems like. I guess my only real problem is inter-personal communication…communication between people. I’m fine in front of large groups when I have to present or make a speech, but when it comes to talking to people personally, that’s where I hit a brick wall.

Anyway, I think I’ve overloaded you with too much. End.