Brain Fart…

So, I haven’t been able to update since, what was it, last Monday, right? Yeah, so I HAD a lot to write about. However, now that I’m here, I can’t remember what I wanted to write about…thus, the wonderful brain fart~.

Give me a minute…maybe I’ll remember.

Well, let me just write whatever I can remember.

So, yesterday my sisters and I went to this fair/carnival-ish school function. We had been going to it since we were in elementary school. It always seems much more glamorous when you’re little. Don’t be mistaken, I did have fun, it’s just not the kind of fun that I had as a kid. I ended up getting those glow sticks that you can connect to make a necklace or individual bracelets -you know, the one Disneyland used to have (the last time I went to Disneyland, they replaced the famous glow necklaces with these cheap electronic ones that just weren’t as appealing). -_-” I also ended up getting one of those long balloons that they twist into various things. I chose a flower. It’s pretty…its stem is green, and the flower is white.

Anyway, after that we went-out to eat at Ten Ren’s, a Chinese tea house/restaurant. We go there every week to get boba, but yesterday we decided to have dinner there.

Oh, duh…completely forgot. So, earlier that day, before the fair, I actually had a group project to do, since fnals are approaching.

So, there are six group members, including me. We had to film a skit. The thing is, the skit is for a foreign language and, as always, I was the only non-native speaker of the group…but that wasn’t a problem.

I thought we were going to take a really long time because in my previous groups (I’m in level 5 of this language, so I’ve filmed 4 other group skits) we would start around 4:00pm-ish and end around 1:00am-ish the next morning. Previously, in my other groups, we would have a script written and go from there, but this time my group didn’t even have anything planned out -at all!!! I was really dreading having to possibly end early the next day. We met at 3:00pm; however, we spent about an hour and a half waiting for 3 of the other group members, about another 30 minutes discussing what to do and who to pair-off (the theme was newlywed couples ), and then we filmed.

We didn’t write-out a script because all of my group members are pretty much native speakers, so they pretty much ad-libbed their lines. So, the first couple took, at most, 5 minutes filming their entire scene. Then, the next couple took another 5 minutes, at most. Then, lastly, it was me. I feel both really sorry and really thankful to my group members, honestly. One of the native-born group members really helped me by writing a script out for me. I had to memorize my lines while they all waited. So, I tried to memorize my lines as quickly as possible…I was really pushing myself. So, after memorizing my lines, we’d practice a couple of times, then film it. Seriously, I feel so bad that I had SO MANY bloopers!!

In the end, I think they all opened up to me because maybe they saw my effort, and in turn I also really opened up to them because of their help. Anyway, so my part took at least an hour to film. That is why I am both sorry to my group members for taking so long, and thankful that they helped me SO MUCH and had SO MUCH patience with me.

So, surprisingly, we ended up finishing at about 6:00pm!! So, not only did we start late, have no script, no ideas, nothing, we also finished earlier than any of my four previous groups in which we did have a script, ideas, and everything. Amazing!!

Regarding the skit, I’m a little embarrassed and I’m dreading having to sit there with the whole class watching it, next week. Why? Well, I figured that since this is the last level of this foreign language, and since I’ll be graduating, I might as well step out of myself this one time, and end with a “BANG.” I do want to show my classmates that there’s more to me than just a really shy girl, so that’s why I sort of stepped out of my norm. I’m glad that I did it, but I’m also dreading having to sit in class, and when the skit is done, knowing that all my classmates will think of me a little differently (in a good way, I hope).

Actually, this group experience has taught me so much. Before meeting and filming with my group, I was REALLY apprehensive about working with them. They’re all native speakers, and two of the group members are native-born, so I was VERY intimidated. However, after receiving help from one of the members I least expected to help (from one of the native-born members), I not only gained respect for them, but I also have to thank them for sort of accepting me into their “group”/culture, in a sense. Honestly, being treated so nicely by them really boosted my self-esteem.

So, I was glad that we finished so early. This meant that I would be able to go to the school fair with my sisters. So, after my group skit ended, I drove over and met my sisters.

I’ve written too much (as always). End.

Back to School…

So, after a MUCH NEEDED 3-day Memorial weekend, it’s back to school.
I’m exhausted and burned out from school.

Yesterday I didn’t update because I spent nearly the whole day at my best friend’s house. It had been over a year since I had seen this friend (I won’t get into reasons why). Seriously, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to have fun and just hang out with my friends. We did nothing special, though. Ate brunch, bummed on the couch and watched tv, played with their cat…yeah, that’s about it. Pretty uneventful, but still very fun.

Okay, so I’ve been having personal issues with this one professor of mine. I’ve had her for three classes already, and she really is a great professor, but something happened last Friday that really made me see that she’s not one who can practice what she preaches, basically.

So, this professor is a professor of Sociology -particularly on topics such as, Racism in the US, Racism and Inequality…you get the point.

Anyway, since I’ve had her for three classes now, I know what to expect. So, when she assigns these papers called “critical responses,” I feel confident about writing it because I haven’t gotten less than a B on any of them in any of the classes I had taken with her. However, this quarter she has a reader that either doesn’t know how to properly grade papers or is on a serious power trip…I think it’s the latter.

So, in our critical responses, we’re supposed to have one scholarly article along with our other references. I specifically went to the library, asked for scholarly articles online, they directed me to the database, and I clicked a tab that specifically said, “scholarly writings.” And…coincidentally, the author of that article is the author of another article IN OUR TEXTBOOK!!! I get a C on my paper because my source according to the reader wasn’t “scholarly.” So, I went to my professor after class and told her my situation (and how even some of the text in my article could be found in another article in our textbook) and that I didn’t understand how this couldn’t be scholarly. How am I supposed to know what scholarly is now, if even a librarian directed me to it and if it said “scholarly?” She looked at my paper and said, “That’s not scholarly.” I said, “why?” She said, if you go to the campus library, ask them and they’ll be more than willing to help you find one.” So, not only did she not answer my question, but she also dumped her JOB on someone else -the librarians. I think she’s just left everything up to her reader (who isn’t like a TA that sits in class -the reader doesn’t attend our lectures, she just reads and grades our papers), and her reader isn’t capable. She’s left everything up to her reader, so basically anything ignorant that her reader says, she’s also going to blindly support.

However, what really gets me mad is that she preaches about all this inequality and racism, and tells us that we’re all human and we all deserve the same treatment blah, blah, blah. She specifically says in our lectures (ad nauseum) that if we’re in need of help, we can go to her and ask her and she’ll help us; if we have a problem, all we need to do is drop by her office and she’ll help us with our problem, even if it’s not class related. So she says.

However, I experienced NOTHING of the sort when I talked to her. She really doesn’t practice what she preaches. She couldn’t make eye contact with me, and she kept trying to change the subject and kept repeating that I should go to the library and ask them to help me find a scholarly article.

I don’t care if she has a doctorate (which she also talks about ad nauseum), she has just presented herself to me as an ignorant human being who really doesn’t care about treating all people equally. She dumps all her work on others, she talks about the SAME thing in every lecture -forget about following the topics of our readings…she goes on her soapbox and rants about the same thing over and over…in all three classes that I’ve taken with her -and one was a statistics class (with no relation to inequality and racism), she has poor management of class time, and she clearly has “favorites,” or “pets” in class…tell me, in a racism and inequality class, is having favorites really the way to go?!?

Great, now I’m all worked up. But, seriously, is this fair? Do you think this is fair?!? All the “evidence” seems to support my side and my views about her. Come on, how hard is it to at least give me a few more points…my article was scholarly!!!

I better end here. End.

Change of Plans

Okay, contrary to what I wrote in my first post, I don’t think I can maintain a blog about me being shy. It’s difficult writing about what I feel. As you might have read in the previous entry, “Dim Sum, Yum~,” it’s difficult for me to put into words what goes on in my mind, and it’s difficult for me to describe my actions.

So, since I can’t really write about “being shy,” I decided just to make this a miscellaneous blog. I’ll write about whatever’s on my mind. I like a lot of things, so I don’ t think it’ll be a problem to write about them all.

Just so you have a little foretaste of what I’ll be writing about in the future, I’m into Korean music and culture. I like listening to many genres, and enjoy learning new things and experiencing new things about the culture. I also enjoy learning the language. However, this doesn’t close me off to other cultures. I’m fortunate to have grown up in such a diverse environment. Since I can remember, I’ve always been exposed to all kinds of cultures. All the schools I’ve gone to have been extremely culturally diverse, and all the friends I’ve grown up with, and made, are all from different cultures. I think it’s a shame to be narrow-minded to other cultures; understanding someones culture helps to understand part of their mentality…but enough of that.

Besides Korean music and culture, I enjoy playing music. I started playing the clarinet in 5th grade, played the bass clarinet from 6th-9th grade, started learning the guitar (and am continually learning) around 8th grade, and started learning how to play the piano, by myself, about my first or second year in college. There are actually so many instruments that I still want to learn…the flute and the bassoon are the two that I really want to learn right now.

Okay, aside from music, some of my other “passions” are languages. I’m currently majoring in Linguistics. I find enjoyment in learning languages, but I also find enjoyment in studying a language’s structure, to see how all the parts of a language work and fit together. Language is like a clock with all its cogs and springs…alone, they are pretty much without function, but put them together, and they work beautifully. However, aside from language, my greater passion is the eyes. I am also studying optometry, and will apply to an optometry college soon…hopefully. What’s more beautiful than looking at eyes…eyes of different colors, of different clarities, of different needs, etc. To be able to fix the organ by which one sees the world is a wonderful thing.

Speaking of the eyes, I also enjoy photography. I’m an amateur at it, but I enjoy taking pictures. Taking pictures allows you to immortalize your perspective at a given point in time, and it lets others see things through your eyes and from your perspective.

Then, there’s photoshop. I enjoy dabbling with photoshop when I have time. I’m also an amateur at this, but it doesn’t stop me from using my imagination.

Okay, I also love to sing. I’ve recorded a couple of cover songs (not professionally, just from my desk). I sing all the time. Seriously, in the car, when I’m driving to school or anywhere, really, it’s a given that I will be singing in the car. It’s almost something I can’t help. I MUST sing in the car.

I’m also a nerd. I love to learn new things all the time. Some of my ongoing “nerdy” enjoyments are Mt. Vesuvius (I don’t know how many documentaries I’ve seen on Vesuvius, space (especially planets), and martial arts. Oh…I love watching anything on Sumo Wrestling….seriously, when I was in elementary school, before I would leave for school, I’d watch Sumo wrestling matches (they don’t show any of them anymore).

While I’m on the subject of exercise, I am a runner…sort of…I don’t enter races or anything like that (I did do a 5K once, though…and I would like to run a marathon at least once in my life). I started running, about November 2005 to lose weight, and since then, I’ve grown to love running. It gives this sense of accomplishment when I’m driving and re-trace my run…it always surprises me that I was able to run such distances…it’s very rewarding physically and mentally. I actually haven’t been able to run for the last 6 months, though, which makes me very sad. First, it was because of a knee problem, now it’s because of my hectic school schedule.

Well, as you can see, I like a lot of things, and I like to talk about a lot of things. I think I’ve written too much for today. If you’ve finished reading this blog in its entirety, thank you, and I’m sorry you had to endure all this. End.

Dim Sum, Yum~

Okay, it’s Saturday morning, about 11:20 am. I am extremely full right now because I had dim sum for breakfast. Yum.

Anyway, so I guess for the sake of sticking to what I said I’d talk about, here’s a little bit of what I put myself through, as a person who doesn’t know how not to be shy in public (I’m going to be focusing more about me being shy at school.)

So, I’m a university student. Actually, I’ll be officially graduated this Summer. So, how in the world did I survive college life as a complete (ahem *extreme*) introvert? I don’t know. I know that people find my behavior somewhat childish, and are probably saying to themselves that I need to grow up and stop being shy. If not that, they’re probably thinking to themselves that they wish I would just be myself…just let go and “have fun,” so to speak.

Before I continue on that, I guess I should define what “shy” means to me…

As we know, we all have our own definition of what “shy” means. To some, shy means not being able to talk to the person they like. To others, shy means not being able to make eye contact with people. Shy could also mean not being able to talk to others, or not being able to project your voice.

To me, however, shy encompasses all those characteristics, and more. For me, it’s not that I want to be shy, but I’m just overly conscious of my actions around others, and those actions make me reserved and shy. I’m constantly having this mental battle with myself. I’m always thinking, “well, if I look around the classroom, people might think that I’m trying to befriend them or invite myself into a situation I’m not welcomed in,” or, “If I look in his direction, he might think I’m crushing on him.” Sometimes I think, “Well, what they’re talking about is really none of my business, so if I turn in their direction, they might think I’m trying to butt-into their group/conversation.” All these things are always racing through my head. I’m always conscious of even my actions.

As such, I hinder myself from initiating conversations with people, I hardly speak up, I don’t make eye contact -I don’t even look around the classroom or my surroundings…it’s like I put invisible blinders on to keep my eyes fixed forward. It’s almost as if I completely ignore the people around me. Because of this behavior, many people also think I’m a snob that thinks she’s above them. I’m not, I assure you.

So, back to what I was talking about earlier. I’m very much aware of what people think. It’s very burdensome to try to accommodate a shy person. I see it on a daily basis; people are always struggling to come up to me and initiate a conversation with me. They’re not sure what to expect, so even their body language, as they approach me, is cautious.

Crushes are pretty bad, too. I’m one of those girls who, if she sees the guy she likes, walks in the opposite direction. I do this because I don’ t know how to act in front of them, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself, and I just don’t want to put myself in a situation where I could possibly get hurt. It’s always definitely been platonic on my end.

Thinking about it now, it’s not easy to put into words how I act or how I feel as a shy person. It’s very, very difficult, actually. I don’t even know if I’m making sense, because it seems like I’m always contradicting myself…first I say I’m shy, then I say I’m not…it’s very contradictory.

As you know, from my intro, I’m not shy everywhere. In fact, I’m a very goofy person, and I love to make people laugh. I almost feel as if I’ve got this split personality…I don’t have split personality disorder, I assure you, because even at school (where I’m shy), I have no problem speaking up or even giving presentations/speeches in front of the class. I have no problem talking to someone when they talk to me…it’s just that my behavior doesn’t reflect who I am, that’s why I feel that my personality is split in it’s nature. I’m not split-personality psychologically, I just feel that that’s the only way to sort of describe what it seems like. I guess my only real problem is inter-personal communication…communication between people. I’m fine in front of large groups when I have to present or make a speech, but when it comes to talking to people personally, that’s where I hit a brick wall.

Anyway, I think I’ve overloaded you with too much. End.

Hello, I’m OutSHpoken!

Cue intro~

So, this is my first official entry in this new, snazzy blog.

I’m still getting acclimated to all the features and such, so have patience with me.

I don’t know how well-received this page will be by others, and I don’t know if it will get popular or not; it actually doesn’t really matter to me…I just need an outlet for myself to write what’s on my mind and what I’m feeling. It’s an extra, and welcomed bonus if it is well-received.

So, a little bit about why I decided to start this thing…
First off, the name. Since no upper-case letters are allowed, my username reads “outshpoken.” Actually, I meant for it to read “outSHpoken.” Why? Well, we’ll have to move on to my second reason for creating this blog (then we’ll get back to number one).

So, reason number two, this blog is meant for me to write about the day in the life of a shy person. I really do mean shy. Yes, I am a shy person. I’m comfortable at home and around my friends, but for some reason I just become extremely reserved and shy in certain places…particularly school. So, I’m intending to write my thoughts or how my day has gone, or even questions I have about myself as a shy person. Some of you may be able to relate to me a lot, others may not, but that means you get to see things from a different perspective.

Okay, back to number one, my username. So, outSHpoken almost speaks for itself. I am indeed outspoken; otherwise, I would not have created this blog. However, the “SH” is capitalized as a way for me to express that I’m, sort of, softspokenly outspoken. I’m quietly outspoken (what an oxymoron). Hence, the “SH” as in the sound a librarian makes to kids who are talking too loudly.

This blog, however, is not only going to be about me being shy, because after a while that topic gets redundant. I don’t know what else I’ll write about or post, but look forward to it!

Another thing…I’m not perfect at writing, so I will not tolerate any bashing or criticizing of my writing. I try to be as accurate as I can, but there will be grammatical errors and typos, expect it.

Lastly, I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, nor do I expect everyone to like me. However, I will not tolerate any bashing -directed towards me or at other readers. Opinions are welcome and so is constructive criticism, but not bashing. I may be shy, but that doesn’t mean I won’t speak-up when I need to.

Anyway, so that’s that. Thank you for reading. End.