“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

1 Corinthians 15:4-55, 57
54 And when this corruptible will put on incorruption and this mortal will put on immortality, then the word which is written will come to pass, “Death has been swallowed up unto victory.”
55 Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
57 But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

These three verses were in the program of the brother mentioned in my previous entry. I was able to attend his memorial meeting, and it was just an overcoming meeting!

Death cannot hold the resurrection life!

Like I said previously, I did not know this brother really well or on a personal level, but I had talked to him a few times. However, I am comforted to know that the brother I talked to was the same brother everyone else had talked to. By this I mean that he was just such a genuine person who genuinely loved the Lord and His believers.

In the meeting, it was so encouraging to hear all of these testimonies of those that were close to this dear brother. All of their testimonies were the same in the sense that they all had the same experience with their interactions with this genuine and precious brother. This brother just loved the Lord, and just wanted to share his love for the Lord with anyone and everyone. He just wanted to shepherd the Lord’s believers.

He was a person who just magnified Christ! What a pattern! I, personally, left the memorial meeting not feeling extremely sad, but just rejoicing the life that this brother lived! Honestly, what a pattern he was! I want to take this brother as my pattern.

I want to really be so zealous to know the Lord in the same way this brother knew the Lord. I want to be zealous to just seek Him.

There were just so many things in the meeting that just brought joy to my heart, yet also exposed the kind of condition I am in. I am overjoyed that this brother was such a pattern, but I am also exposed to see my condition with the Lord. How I need to have such a longing in my heart to pursue after my Lord. To run the race.

I have been enjoying many things lately, and just one of the things I’ve been enjoying is this song -I don’t remember who it was written by, but I’ve been enjoying this hymn…I want these words to be my reality!

Lord, I Love You

Lord, I love You more today
Than any other.
Lord, I love You more right now
Than ever before.

Lord, You are so dear
How could my heart desire
Anything that’s less than You?
Lord, You are the One I must choose
Lord, I love You.

Lord, I need You more today
Than any other.
Lord, I need You more right now
Than ever before.

Lord, You are so near
Be everything to me.
I couldn’t live a day without You.
I’m totally dependent on You.
Lord, I need You.

Lord, I love You
I’ll never let You go.
Lord, I love You.
I want You to know
Lord, I love You so.

—-

Another thing that I left the memorial meeting with was that this brother was not ashamed to tell people of his love for the Lord. I want to be one who just loves the Lord so much that I want to tell anyone and everyone! End.

Life is too short…

It is with a sad and heavy heart that I write today’s entry.

As I pulled into the driveway, around 4:40 pm, my sister told me that an acquaintance, a family friend, a brother in Christ, and someone, very honestly, dear to my heart, had passed away, yesterday night. He had gotten into a solo motorcycle accident, and, I think, died on impact.

As I heard the news, I had just pulled into the driveway, like I said. I hadn’t even turned my car off when my sister came to my window and signaled me to open my door. It was then that I heard the news.

However, as I was parked and gathering my things to get out of my car, I was thinking of so many selfish and trivial things compared to the news that was about to me known to me.

I was thinking how hard that exam was today, how much my hand hurt from writing for so long, how embarrassing that presentation was this morning, and how dirty my windshield was, and that I should wipe my windshield. All these trivial and selfish thoughts were racing through my head.

To be quite honest, this brother (yes, he is my brother in Christ) wasn’t someone I was personally close to. He simply knew who I was, and I knew who he was. My dad would give him rides every now and then a few years ago, and I think he was fairly close to my dad. He was also in my family’s small group meeting (comparable to what most people would call a Bible study group). I had only talked to him a few times, but you know, it’s human nature to get attached to even the smallest relationships that are formed.

Anyway, the news hasn’t really sunk in, yet. I mean, I realize that this brother is no longer with us, but at the same time, I feel like it’s all a lie, and that I’ll be seeing this brother in the meetings next week. To be honest, I cried. I’m not sure if I cried from the news of his passing, or from the fact that we won’t see him anymore, or even from the fact that he was just someone I knew. I’m not sure, but I did cry. Actually, my eyes are red and puffy, and every now and then, I feel like I am going to burst out crying. I don’t even feel like I am worthy of crying for or over this brother because, as I said, I wasn’t close to him. I guess, since I’ve known of him, and he’s known of me for years, there’s just that sense of, I don’t even know a good word, but “habit” seems somewhat fitting. You get into this habit of seeing people over the years, of hearing about them in passing, etc. I guess I cried, partially, because I know that seeing this brother in the meetings, or whatever it may be, will be no longer. I really was honest when I said that this brother was dear to my heart; all the saints are dear to my heart, and I really do mean that.

As I was just, I don’t know, letting the news, the reality swarm in my head, I just felt so ashamed at how selfish I can be, how selfish we all can be, and how I make such a big deal out of the most trivial things.

Here I was complaining how tired I was from having to study, from having to take tests, from having to commute, from everything going on right now, and I didn’t even appreciate the life the Lord has given me.

Here I am, complaining of all the temporary hardships in my life, when I could be redeeming the time the Lord has given me. I think that’s also why I cried -because I know that the life I’m living now is not exactly the life the Lord wants me to be living. Here I am, just living day-to-day, complaining about school, about the weather, about anything, and the Lord is just wanting me to enjoy Him and redeem the time.

Even these past few months, I’ve been ashamed of myself. I’ve been telling myself, “what kind of life is this?” “Why are you just doing nothing?” I really have been telling myself this. Maybe this was just one way the Lord is calling me back. He’s always calling me back to Him; I get distracted so easily, so I know the Lord is always calling me back to Him.

I tell myself and the Lord, “tomorrow, Lord. Tomorrow I’ll have morning revival. Tomorrow I’ll read the Bible. Tomorrow this, tomorrow that.” And here I am…what excuse do I have not to come to the Lord?!?

Wow. I don’t know what I’m getting at in this entry. I’m just trying to, not make sense of the situation, but I’m just trying to, I don’t know, tell myself that there’s no excuse to be complaining of what I have. The Lord is so sovereign. How could I not think He’s sovereign? He has saved even me from death, so how can I say that He is not sovereign? He knows each of our measures. I know that He has such a high purpose for me.

This sad news is not something to be analyzed. This news is not even here for us to be asking the Lord, “why?” The Lord is righteous and sovereign in His judgments. Only He knows why He took our dear brother to be with Him.

Lord Jesus, how I love You. End.

Is this right?!?

Edit: It didn’t work. -_-” What’s going on?!? I’ll figure it out…eventually.

I’m not kidding when I say that I still don’t know how to work this blog. X_x” So far, every time I post a new blog entry, it’s gone on the same page. As of now, there are 9 entries on one page (I hate odd numbers, so I wanted 8 entries on one page, and the 9th entry to go on a new page). It’s getting too much to have to scroll down that far. So, here I am, clicking on “new page.” I hope I’m doing this correctly. From what I understand, clicking a new page would create a new page. I feel so stupid. -_-”

I have a test to study for. Not fun. The thing is, I’m less motivated to study for this test because it’s an open-book test, so I can write absolutely whatever I want to write in my book. Because it’s open-book, I don’t really feel like studying. On the other hand, I should organize my notes and have my pages marked so that I’m not wasting all of my time flipping through pages.

Let’s see…I think my friend’s coming back from vacation, tomorrow.

Also, three more weeks until Summer school ends. Our summer sessions are only five weeks, so I’m really happy that I only have to “suffer” for a little while. I’m one of those people that can learn a lot in a short amount of time, that’s why, when I was in a school that was on the semester system (approx 16-18 weeks -mine was 18 killer weeks) I was suffering. I can’t stand semester systems. Quarter systems are my ideal.

What else?…

Oh, my sister and I had lunch with a very dear person. She used to be my “serving one” in church, when I was in middle and high school. She moved to a different state, so I rarely get to see her, save for, maybe, twice a year, if even. She’s very dear to my heart. When my sister and I had to leave, I said bye to her one more time, and I could see that she was holding back tears. It made me sad, but also comforted me to see that she really, really does care for all the young people she served.

I have to call my friend. O_x I haven’t talked to her since the day of my graduation…it sort of makes it seem like I only contacted her to come to my graduation. I know she wouldn’t think that, but it sort of seems like it.

I think I’m done. I hope this entry will go to a “new page.” End.

Not Myself

It’s not so much that I’m not myself as it is that I just don’t feel like myself. Why? Easy…because I’ve been extremely upset, since last night. It’s a long story, but it basically involves me getting into an “argument” with someone.

Basically, we were talking about something, and this person interjects with some information that doesn’t directly have anything to do with what I was initially talking about. I did listen to what this person had to say, but I also got back to the subject. I wasn’t rude or anything like that; however, this person got upset with me and all of a sudden stopped talking to me. I apologized, but by that time I was already a little upset, and just stayed silent (this all happened while driving somewhere). Then, when we arrived at our destination, this person was talking to me as if absolutely nothing happened! Then, since I wear my emotions on my sleeves, it was obvious that I was upset because I was silent. So, this person asks, “Are you mad?” Thank you, captain obvious! *sarcasm* -_-” I explained why I was mad, and I also explained that I was mainly mad because I apologized, but this person ignored that apology. I apologize again, after explaining why I was mad, but this person ignored my apology again!!

So, as we walked inside the place we went to, this person completely left me in the dust and went off. So, by that time I’d had it. I walked out of that place and just sat in my car. So, since that point I’ve been mad.

I haven’t been talking to anybody. When I’m really mad, I just can’t talk to anybody. I’m definitely not someone who can hide her feelings toward others and pretend that everything’s okay. I very much wear my heart on my sleeve, so when I feel sad, I’m sad, when I’m mad, I’m mad, and I am just not capable of masking my feelings. I’ve tried hiding my feelings so that I don’t bring anyone else down, but I feel so horrible inside, I almost feel disgusted with myself, and I feel like I’m lying to myself -that’s what I’m doing, essentially -lying to myself. I can’t lie to myself.

I’m very upset right now.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to end this blog on a “depressing” note.

It’s definitely been a bit since I’ve updated. Not much has happened, but I did start Summer school on Monday. I’ve had my good days and bad days this week…the bad has definitely outweighed the good, unfortunately.

I’m not expecting sympathy, empathy, consolation or anything like, “I hope things look up for you;” or “I hope your days get better;” or even, “Things will get better soon.” All of this will pass, I know..I’m very aware of that. However, since this is a blog, and since I have no need to lie about my feelings, I’m just going to write exactly how it is. I never write with the intention of receiving anything from anyone. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hear what any of you have to say; I’m just saying, please don’t state the obvious; doing such things would really not help ameliorate the situation. I’m cynical, I know.

I know I said that I wanted to end things on a lighter note, but, sorry, I wasn’t successful at doing such a thing. End.

We Meet Again

It has indeed been a while. The reason for my absence…finals.

Anyway, I am a graduated individual.

The ceremony was not quick, but painless and enjoyable. It took about 2 hours, and felt like two hours, but it was fine.

However, I am far from being finished with school. I still have two more Summer classes to take before I can declare myself officially graduated. Then, AT LEAST one year at a community college to meet pre-optometry prerequisites, while interning. After that time, its optometry school, hopefully.

Aside from finals and graduation, not much has happened in my mundane life.

Oh, okay, so yesterday my sisters and I saw Kungfu Panda. I wanted to see it since I heard about it, but school got in the way of me seeing it earlier. Before all this Kungfu Panda hype, my favorite animal since early childhood has been the panda. Seriously, I can go in my room right now and take a picture of my collection, I kid you not. Anyway, so I was really thrilled about this animated movie. It’s funny, has the perfect amount of cuteness, and still has a nice plot throughout.

Next movie to see is Wall-e! My sisters and I have already marked it in our mental calendars. I would think that this boarders the line between lame and…well…okay, it’s lame to have this date marked-in, but I’m a total kid at heart, and I enjoy these things!

So, I said I’d try to share some of my photoshop work, photography, etc….the thing is, the last time I blogged, I DID try, but something happened and wasn’t able to post a picture. I’m far from being a computer genius, so have patience with me. Oh, and I also tried posting a song, and was this close to having it up, but, again, something went wrong…entirely my fault.

Anyway, I’m done for today. End.

So Much To Do, So Much Time Wasted!

Yes, so like the title reads, I have so much to do, but I keep finding ways to waste time. However, this is very typical of me when I have either something important to do, or if I have many things to do. I don’t know, I seem to work more efficiently that way. Odd thing, though, I’m actually very punctual, so I am NEVER late, nor do I turn anything in late.

Anyway, I have an essay to finish writing -I’ve barely started outlining it. Eek. I’ve also got a DREADED Philosophy abstract, outline, paper to write!!! I HATE Philosophy…with a burning passion, I kid you not. Seriously, and in all honesty, I understand more of the foreign language I’m learning more than I understand Philosophical concepts…really. It’s all Greek to me.

This week is the start of the last week of instruction for classes, then the following week is FINALS!! X_x

So, I’ve been burdened with this one matter for at least 2 weeks. I’ve somewhat decided to go ahead, grab the bull by its horns, and apply for this thing. What is this “thing,” you ask? It’s a scholarship program in which I’ll be teaching English and learning that country’s language, overseas. So, basically, it’s a study/teach abroad scholarship program.

I’ve been weighing the pros and cons for the past two weeks, I’ve been talking to people in that country, I’ve gotten advice, and yeah…I think I’ve exhausted my resources. There’s a choice to stay there for 6 months or to stay there for one year. I’m going to choose the 6-month program.

The only reason that this decision was so burdensome was because if I can’t complete the program or if I can’t fulfill my responsibilities for the full term I’m contracted for, I have to pay my way back home. They pretty much pay for EVERYTHING, even your plane ticket to go there, but if you can’t fulfill your responsibilities, you’re on your own, and must buy your own plane ticket home.

They provide a place to stay -dorm, apartment, home-stay, etc; they also give you a monthly allowance -another thing that was somewhat burdensome, too. Their monthly allowance is equivalent to about $1,500 (US dollars), and I wasn’t sure if that was enough to survive over there. However, after talking to someone who lives over there, I found out that it’s sufficient. Groceries alone, as I was told, would be about $600. That is, living that country’s lifestyle -eating their food, as opposed to buying a Western diet, which I have no problem because I LOVE that country’s food! Transportation shouldn’t be too expensive either.

I also asked about how I would be treated as a foreigner. The lady I was talking to is the same ethnicity as I am, so I found her advice to be more applicable to me.

Anyway, so I’ve decided to apply to this program, and I hope I get accepted. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time now, but other programs were so expensive. Now that this opportunity is here, I feel like I need more time to prepare myself. Funny. However, I feel that this opportunity is too good to be wasted, so I’m going to go for it!

—-

In another blog, that I frequently read, the blogger has their “song of the day” posted…I wonder if I can do that here for free. I better look-into that.

—-

I was thinking, since it’s somewhat difficult for me to actually write in this during the week, maybe I’ll post some of my photoshop creations and photography. I haven’t created anything lately, nor have I taken pictures of anything lately, so all I have to offer right now are older works.

End.

Brain Fart…

So, I haven’t been able to update since, what was it, last Monday, right? Yeah, so I HAD a lot to write about. However, now that I’m here, I can’t remember what I wanted to write about…thus, the wonderful brain fart~.

Give me a minute…maybe I’ll remember.

Well, let me just write whatever I can remember.

So, yesterday my sisters and I went to this fair/carnival-ish school function. We had been going to it since we were in elementary school. It always seems much more glamorous when you’re little. Don’t be mistaken, I did have fun, it’s just not the kind of fun that I had as a kid. I ended up getting those glow sticks that you can connect to make a necklace or individual bracelets -you know, the one Disneyland used to have (the last time I went to Disneyland, they replaced the famous glow necklaces with these cheap electronic ones that just weren’t as appealing). -_-” I also ended up getting one of those long balloons that they twist into various things. I chose a flower. It’s pretty…its stem is green, and the flower is white.

Anyway, after that we went-out to eat at Ten Ren’s, a Chinese tea house/restaurant. We go there every week to get boba, but yesterday we decided to have dinner there.

Oh, duh…completely forgot. So, earlier that day, before the fair, I actually had a group project to do, since fnals are approaching.

So, there are six group members, including me. We had to film a skit. The thing is, the skit is for a foreign language and, as always, I was the only non-native speaker of the group…but that wasn’t a problem.

I thought we were going to take a really long time because in my previous groups (I’m in level 5 of this language, so I’ve filmed 4 other group skits) we would start around 4:00pm-ish and end around 1:00am-ish the next morning. Previously, in my other groups, we would have a script written and go from there, but this time my group didn’t even have anything planned out -at all!!! I was really dreading having to possibly end early the next day. We met at 3:00pm; however, we spent about an hour and a half waiting for 3 of the other group members, about another 30 minutes discussing what to do and who to pair-off (the theme was newlywed couples ), and then we filmed.

We didn’t write-out a script because all of my group members are pretty much native speakers, so they pretty much ad-libbed their lines. So, the first couple took, at most, 5 minutes filming their entire scene. Then, the next couple took another 5 minutes, at most. Then, lastly, it was me. I feel both really sorry and really thankful to my group members, honestly. One of the native-born group members really helped me by writing a script out for me. I had to memorize my lines while they all waited. So, I tried to memorize my lines as quickly as possible…I was really pushing myself. So, after memorizing my lines, we’d practice a couple of times, then film it. Seriously, I feel so bad that I had SO MANY bloopers!!

In the end, I think they all opened up to me because maybe they saw my effort, and in turn I also really opened up to them because of their help. Anyway, so my part took at least an hour to film. That is why I am both sorry to my group members for taking so long, and thankful that they helped me SO MUCH and had SO MUCH patience with me.

So, surprisingly, we ended up finishing at about 6:00pm!! So, not only did we start late, have no script, no ideas, nothing, we also finished earlier than any of my four previous groups in which we did have a script, ideas, and everything. Amazing!!

Regarding the skit, I’m a little embarrassed and I’m dreading having to sit there with the whole class watching it, next week. Why? Well, I figured that since this is the last level of this foreign language, and since I’ll be graduating, I might as well step out of myself this one time, and end with a “BANG.” I do want to show my classmates that there’s more to me than just a really shy girl, so that’s why I sort of stepped out of my norm. I’m glad that I did it, but I’m also dreading having to sit in class, and when the skit is done, knowing that all my classmates will think of me a little differently (in a good way, I hope).

Actually, this group experience has taught me so much. Before meeting and filming with my group, I was REALLY apprehensive about working with them. They’re all native speakers, and two of the group members are native-born, so I was VERY intimidated. However, after receiving help from one of the members I least expected to help (from one of the native-born members), I not only gained respect for them, but I also have to thank them for sort of accepting me into their “group”/culture, in a sense. Honestly, being treated so nicely by them really boosted my self-esteem.

So, I was glad that we finished so early. This meant that I would be able to go to the school fair with my sisters. So, after my group skit ended, I drove over and met my sisters.

I’ve written too much (as always). End.

Back to School…

So, after a MUCH NEEDED 3-day Memorial weekend, it’s back to school.
I’m exhausted and burned out from school.

Yesterday I didn’t update because I spent nearly the whole day at my best friend’s house. It had been over a year since I had seen this friend (I won’t get into reasons why). Seriously, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to have fun and just hang out with my friends. We did nothing special, though. Ate brunch, bummed on the couch and watched tv, played with their cat…yeah, that’s about it. Pretty uneventful, but still very fun.

Okay, so I’ve been having personal issues with this one professor of mine. I’ve had her for three classes already, and she really is a great professor, but something happened last Friday that really made me see that she’s not one who can practice what she preaches, basically.

So, this professor is a professor of Sociology -particularly on topics such as, Racism in the US, Racism and Inequality…you get the point.

Anyway, since I’ve had her for three classes now, I know what to expect. So, when she assigns these papers called “critical responses,” I feel confident about writing it because I haven’t gotten less than a B on any of them in any of the classes I had taken with her. However, this quarter she has a reader that either doesn’t know how to properly grade papers or is on a serious power trip…I think it’s the latter.

So, in our critical responses, we’re supposed to have one scholarly article along with our other references. I specifically went to the library, asked for scholarly articles online, they directed me to the database, and I clicked a tab that specifically said, “scholarly writings.” And…coincidentally, the author of that article is the author of another article IN OUR TEXTBOOK!!! I get a C on my paper because my source according to the reader wasn’t “scholarly.” So, I went to my professor after class and told her my situation (and how even some of the text in my article could be found in another article in our textbook) and that I didn’t understand how this couldn’t be scholarly. How am I supposed to know what scholarly is now, if even a librarian directed me to it and if it said “scholarly?” She looked at my paper and said, “That’s not scholarly.” I said, “why?” She said, if you go to the campus library, ask them and they’ll be more than willing to help you find one.” So, not only did she not answer my question, but she also dumped her JOB on someone else -the librarians. I think she’s just left everything up to her reader (who isn’t like a TA that sits in class -the reader doesn’t attend our lectures, she just reads and grades our papers), and her reader isn’t capable. She’s left everything up to her reader, so basically anything ignorant that her reader says, she’s also going to blindly support.

However, what really gets me mad is that she preaches about all this inequality and racism, and tells us that we’re all human and we all deserve the same treatment blah, blah, blah. She specifically says in our lectures (ad nauseum) that if we’re in need of help, we can go to her and ask her and she’ll help us; if we have a problem, all we need to do is drop by her office and she’ll help us with our problem, even if it’s not class related. So she says.

However, I experienced NOTHING of the sort when I talked to her. She really doesn’t practice what she preaches. She couldn’t make eye contact with me, and she kept trying to change the subject and kept repeating that I should go to the library and ask them to help me find a scholarly article.

I don’t care if she has a doctorate (which she also talks about ad nauseum), she has just presented herself to me as an ignorant human being who really doesn’t care about treating all people equally. She dumps all her work on others, she talks about the SAME thing in every lecture -forget about following the topics of our readings…she goes on her soapbox and rants about the same thing over and over…in all three classes that I’ve taken with her -and one was a statistics class (with no relation to inequality and racism), she has poor management of class time, and she clearly has “favorites,” or “pets” in class…tell me, in a racism and inequality class, is having favorites really the way to go?!?

Great, now I’m all worked up. But, seriously, is this fair? Do you think this is fair?!? All the “evidence” seems to support my side and my views about her. Come on, how hard is it to at least give me a few more points…my article was scholarly!!!

I better end here. End.

Change of Plans

Okay, contrary to what I wrote in my first post, I don’t think I can maintain a blog about me being shy. It’s difficult writing about what I feel. As you might have read in the previous entry, “Dim Sum, Yum~,” it’s difficult for me to put into words what goes on in my mind, and it’s difficult for me to describe my actions.

So, since I can’t really write about “being shy,” I decided just to make this a miscellaneous blog. I’ll write about whatever’s on my mind. I like a lot of things, so I don’ t think it’ll be a problem to write about them all.

Just so you have a little foretaste of what I’ll be writing about in the future, I’m into Korean music and culture. I like listening to many genres, and enjoy learning new things and experiencing new things about the culture. I also enjoy learning the language. However, this doesn’t close me off to other cultures. I’m fortunate to have grown up in such a diverse environment. Since I can remember, I’ve always been exposed to all kinds of cultures. All the schools I’ve gone to have been extremely culturally diverse, and all the friends I’ve grown up with, and made, are all from different cultures. I think it’s a shame to be narrow-minded to other cultures; understanding someones culture helps to understand part of their mentality…but enough of that.

Besides Korean music and culture, I enjoy playing music. I started playing the clarinet in 5th grade, played the bass clarinet from 6th-9th grade, started learning the guitar (and am continually learning) around 8th grade, and started learning how to play the piano, by myself, about my first or second year in college. There are actually so many instruments that I still want to learn…the flute and the bassoon are the two that I really want to learn right now.

Okay, aside from music, some of my other “passions” are languages. I’m currently majoring in Linguistics. I find enjoyment in learning languages, but I also find enjoyment in studying a language’s structure, to see how all the parts of a language work and fit together. Language is like a clock with all its cogs and springs…alone, they are pretty much without function, but put them together, and they work beautifully. However, aside from language, my greater passion is the eyes. I am also studying optometry, and will apply to an optometry college soon…hopefully. What’s more beautiful than looking at eyes…eyes of different colors, of different clarities, of different needs, etc. To be able to fix the organ by which one sees the world is a wonderful thing.

Speaking of the eyes, I also enjoy photography. I’m an amateur at it, but I enjoy taking pictures. Taking pictures allows you to immortalize your perspective at a given point in time, and it lets others see things through your eyes and from your perspective.

Then, there’s photoshop. I enjoy dabbling with photoshop when I have time. I’m also an amateur at this, but it doesn’t stop me from using my imagination.

Okay, I also love to sing. I’ve recorded a couple of cover songs (not professionally, just from my desk). I sing all the time. Seriously, in the car, when I’m driving to school or anywhere, really, it’s a given that I will be singing in the car. It’s almost something I can’t help. I MUST sing in the car.

I’m also a nerd. I love to learn new things all the time. Some of my ongoing “nerdy” enjoyments are Mt. Vesuvius (I don’t know how many documentaries I’ve seen on Vesuvius, space (especially planets), and martial arts. Oh…I love watching anything on Sumo Wrestling….seriously, when I was in elementary school, before I would leave for school, I’d watch Sumo wrestling matches (they don’t show any of them anymore).

While I’m on the subject of exercise, I am a runner…sort of…I don’t enter races or anything like that (I did do a 5K once, though…and I would like to run a marathon at least once in my life). I started running, about November 2005 to lose weight, and since then, I’ve grown to love running. It gives this sense of accomplishment when I’m driving and re-trace my run…it always surprises me that I was able to run such distances…it’s very rewarding physically and mentally. I actually haven’t been able to run for the last 6 months, though, which makes me very sad. First, it was because of a knee problem, now it’s because of my hectic school schedule.

Well, as you can see, I like a lot of things, and I like to talk about a lot of things. I think I’ve written too much for today. If you’ve finished reading this blog in its entirety, thank you, and I’m sorry you had to endure all this. End.

Dim Sum, Yum~

Okay, it’s Saturday morning, about 11:20 am. I am extremely full right now because I had dim sum for breakfast. Yum.

Anyway, so I guess for the sake of sticking to what I said I’d talk about, here’s a little bit of what I put myself through, as a person who doesn’t know how not to be shy in public (I’m going to be focusing more about me being shy at school.)

So, I’m a university student. Actually, I’ll be officially graduated this Summer. So, how in the world did I survive college life as a complete (ahem *extreme*) introvert? I don’t know. I know that people find my behavior somewhat childish, and are probably saying to themselves that I need to grow up and stop being shy. If not that, they’re probably thinking to themselves that they wish I would just be myself…just let go and “have fun,” so to speak.

Before I continue on that, I guess I should define what “shy” means to me…

As we know, we all have our own definition of what “shy” means. To some, shy means not being able to talk to the person they like. To others, shy means not being able to make eye contact with people. Shy could also mean not being able to talk to others, or not being able to project your voice.

To me, however, shy encompasses all those characteristics, and more. For me, it’s not that I want to be shy, but I’m just overly conscious of my actions around others, and those actions make me reserved and shy. I’m constantly having this mental battle with myself. I’m always thinking, “well, if I look around the classroom, people might think that I’m trying to befriend them or invite myself into a situation I’m not welcomed in,” or, “If I look in his direction, he might think I’m crushing on him.” Sometimes I think, “Well, what they’re talking about is really none of my business, so if I turn in their direction, they might think I’m trying to butt-into their group/conversation.” All these things are always racing through my head. I’m always conscious of even my actions.

As such, I hinder myself from initiating conversations with people, I hardly speak up, I don’t make eye contact -I don’t even look around the classroom or my surroundings…it’s like I put invisible blinders on to keep my eyes fixed forward. It’s almost as if I completely ignore the people around me. Because of this behavior, many people also think I’m a snob that thinks she’s above them. I’m not, I assure you.

So, back to what I was talking about earlier. I’m very much aware of what people think. It’s very burdensome to try to accommodate a shy person. I see it on a daily basis; people are always struggling to come up to me and initiate a conversation with me. They’re not sure what to expect, so even their body language, as they approach me, is cautious.

Crushes are pretty bad, too. I’m one of those girls who, if she sees the guy she likes, walks in the opposite direction. I do this because I don’ t know how to act in front of them, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself, and I just don’t want to put myself in a situation where I could possibly get hurt. It’s always definitely been platonic on my end.

Thinking about it now, it’s not easy to put into words how I act or how I feel as a shy person. It’s very, very difficult, actually. I don’t even know if I’m making sense, because it seems like I’m always contradicting myself…first I say I’m shy, then I say I’m not…it’s very contradictory.

As you know, from my intro, I’m not shy everywhere. In fact, I’m a very goofy person, and I love to make people laugh. I almost feel as if I’ve got this split personality…I don’t have split personality disorder, I assure you, because even at school (where I’m shy), I have no problem speaking up or even giving presentations/speeches in front of the class. I have no problem talking to someone when they talk to me…it’s just that my behavior doesn’t reflect who I am, that’s why I feel that my personality is split in it’s nature. I’m not split-personality psychologically, I just feel that that’s the only way to sort of describe what it seems like. I guess my only real problem is inter-personal communication…communication between people. I’m fine in front of large groups when I have to present or make a speech, but when it comes to talking to people personally, that’s where I hit a brick wall.

Anyway, I think I’ve overloaded you with too much. End.